10/04/2026
Every so often I become completely and utterly fixated on certain foods for no discernible reason. Last month I was obsessed with drinking whole milk and eating bananas. A few months back, I couldn't stop drinking and thinking and dreaming of goat milk. I spent most of this year frantically drinking soy milk with everything. This month I don't care about anything at all, although I keep thinking about salted butter and figs - which I cannot find anywhere near me. Separately, there is my current aesthetic fixation with brown eggs. I want to buy a coquetier and put a brown egg on it and break off the top and watch the yolk languidly drip down the side of its shell.
10/03/2026
My hair looks ugly, I feel restless, I feel the need to take better care of my hair. My sole source of self-esteem and possibly my only marker of femininity. I wish it looked beautiful and put together without much work. Effortlessly stylish even when messy and frizzy. Instead, I look like a lioness who bears the shadows of the acacia trees she sleeps under. This Luxembourg-based French tutoring service has an AI-generated brunette Dasha Nekrasova as a potential instructor. What is wrong with me? I'll brush my hair today.10/02/2026
Time goes on and on, her memory slowly turning into a sigh.Like staring at a source of light in a dark road. Something settles in you as you recognize it. Familiarity, tranquility - almost without noticing. And then you just keep going without looking back, with no second thought.
She always loved roses and I was never able to keep them alive.
My little rose in the sky.
10/01/2026
First day of October! St. Thérèse's Feast Day... I might be a bit sick, or at least I can tell my throat is rather irritated. When I messaged my beloved complaining about my various, mysterious ailments, he asked whether I ate something I'm allergic to. Wouldn't this be such a lovely way to find out I'm allergic to foods! I don't think that's the reason, it still sucks! I haven't read anything in a few days... nor watched any movies lately... And I certainly don't want to do either of those things now, with how awful it feels to be awake. Last night I had a dream about my Dad waiting outside a hospital after a night of partying. Something about a sick little girl in critical condition. I really hope I did not dream about my own Death. I'm frustrated today, too, because I want to finish the current journal I've had since the beginning of the year. The new notebook I intend to use is staring right at me, sitting prettily on my desk... I can't even make myself decorate it because that'd be such an aggressive act of betrayal towards my current journal. Annoying, annoyed, frustrated, irritated. I don't want to get any sicker.
Also I donated to my favorite book piracy website. Feeling like a criminal, but maybe a honorable one. Robin Hood-esque, motivated by Marian devotion above all else. Very noble, you see. It's for a good cause.
Additionally, I was delighted to learn that I'll be living very close to a Church! Truly, the blessings of God are endless. I can't wait to hear the dulcet sound of church bells ringing every day once again.
09/30/2026
I will take it easy today. My head is killing me for some reason - no, definitely not the lack of hydration. My feet are killing me, too - no, definitely not the excessive hours-long walking everyday. I think I'll get some beer, and finally make that squash curry I've been meaning to make. Really craving waffles, too. But those can wait. I really do miss T. I miss my friend.No meal was made. Prayer with an irritated throat. I don't feel good, and I hope I'm not getting sick. Need to wake up early tomorrow!!
09/27/2026
Not sure what came over me yesterday. Perhaps I felt slightly inconsolable because he is traveling, while I stay home alone. I can't help but think everyone else sees me as a child. Granted, no woman my age should be acting the way I do, but it hurts a bit to know I'm childish and immature in the eyes of others. I'm currently reading St. Thérèse of Lisieux, and she goes on to speak about spiritual childhood at great length. I struggle to really see what is meant by this. My mind tells me with fair certainty that it is not my childishness and immaturity that are spoken as good... I suppose it is left for me - and me only - to learn how to convert these aspects of my character into virtues. A line I keep praying: Help me see others through our Father's eyes.- Dependency ⇢ Trust
- Emotional sensitivity ⇢ Compassion
- Smallness, inadequacy ⇢ Humility
- Need for reassurance ⇢ Faith
- Emotional undiscipline ⇢ Temperance
Unrelated, I finally put my pears to good use - a tart! Although not very sweet, I did make the mistake of eating some with sweetened coffee. I think I'll make some spiced cold brew later this week.
09/26/2026
Had too much to drink last night. Dreamed of him again; some song by Radiator Hospital about a girl with curly hair - he was listening to it, thinking of me. I am such a narcissist - I can't even miss someone without thinking of them missing me. Frankincense brings me back to my senses. How cruel can life be! I should go back to school. The incense burns too quick. Everything comes to an end, the good and the bad.The more I look at different tarot decks, the more I realize I've lost my taste for the macabre. Instead, I find myself feeling scared, and I'm not sure whether I should take that as a sign that it's time to stop looking at this kind of thing. Today I have an odd feeling moving throughout my body, and today I accidentally clicked on a Cum Town video expecting it to be a short documentary about St. Augustine. I am a slug being sprinkled with salt.
09/25/2026
Not much has changed since I last updated this website. I've been praying more, making me feel a little refreshed. Though I am regretful in admitting that I've allowed myself to believe my soul is lost and fallen into ἀκηδία. Is it a belief, or is it truth? With each passing day, it becomes harder and harder to feel close to anyone, even myself. I haven't spoken to anyone in months at this point. I will not speak to anyone for the next few days. I feel nothing.Affirmations: I am not a nuance, I am not a burden, God loves me,
I am not fat, I am not stupid.
I don't use social media because I have no friends. My way of coping with my (self-imposed) isolation is by telling myself I'm actually practicing detachment from the material world. My sacrifice will be rewarded greatly. If God wills it.