03/28/2025
for some reason, these past two days i've been feeling really... ill-humored. it's the yellow bile coming in excess again, or not. i don't want this mood to ruin the start of spring for me.03/20/2025
i let shame take the best of me. these past three days have been horrible, truly horrible. i took advantage of my trust, and i broke the promises i made myself - not anyone, but myself. from today, i shall begin anew. at least today is the first day of this new week - and of spring! how wonderful.03/15/2025
honestly, i've been spiraling over my looks. i feel so ugly. looking in the mirror fills me with hatred and disgust. my heart is full of malice. i want to push everyone away, i want everyone to look at me. i want to be cruel, i want to be coddled. i can't help but miss having some horny guy telling me how pretty i am, how cute i am. i could go and seek them out, but i know that wouldn't quite do anything for me. objectively, i am not pretty. all this hyperfixation on my appearance is making me lose my mind. at least being sad means i'm losing weight, and i'm committed to being #waif.(as if being waifish will save me).
i think it's time i finally finish watching twin peaks.
03/14/2025
thinking about my online friends from my tween days. my closest friend was an argentinian girl i met in a photoshop tutorial facebook group, and all we ever talked about was yaoi and music. i miss the days i'd come home from school, scroll through tumblr, and read rookiemag. maybe it's a sign to start listening to marina again and finding a heart stamp eyeliner. currently listening to tell me a lie by one direction.
03/06/2025
6:05: thought about sweeping my pinterest boards last night. the idea of years of usage suddenly disappearing made me uncomfortable. the discomfort made me think it was exactly what i needed to do. my life seems to be an everlasting story of man against technology. against life, eager to disappear.03/04/2025
how do i stop myself from being so convinced i am the most evil, rotten, cruelest, and unloving person in the entire world? there is so much shame within me and i don't know how to shake it off. i was born like this - the curse of eve.each year, i try to give up certain things for the entirety of the year. this year those things are: cutting my hair (with the exception of the ends, and my bangs), smoking, taking selfies, and cursing - which surprisingly has been the hardest one yet. i'm thinking about giving up sugar for lent, or maybe taking it a bit further and sticking to a very minimal diet for 40 days. i am also going to try and accomplish learning the rosary in latin, and reducing the amount of "secular" books i read. a friend said they're giving up saying "i'm going to ***," maybe i should try that as well. i am very scared of going to church tomorrow, too ashamed, too unworthy.
on cursing: "didn’t think it’d be difficult, but ‘curse words’ are so ingrained in my vocabulary, it seems. i find myself using random expletives just to fill up space while speaking, but maybe that says more about my lack of proper vocabulary..."
told michael about my plans for this lenten season, and he said he'd join me! and agreed to be my accountability buddy! yippee!!
03/03/2025
the sun has come, illuminating my heart to its fullest. to think that many years ago, the ordinary would be simple fantasy in bed. i need to go outside more, especially now that it's getting warmer and the days are getting longer. the outside world is terrifying, but there is only one way out - literally! put shoes on, put a coat on, and walk out the door. excited for lent.02/03/2025
really need to start recognizing that i am not knowledgeable enough about certain things, and that there is nothing inherently wrong about that. but i cannot help but feel ashamed of my lack of knowledge. feels like i should be leagues ahead, yet, for many things, i am still on step one. to have all of the information i'd ever want laid out in front of me seems to be something i desperately need.anyway, here are the things i want to do before the trip:
- clean kitchen counters
- clean bathroom counter
- clean toilet
- clean mirror
- clean desk (organize notebooks)
- clean coffee table
- clean floors
- put clothes away in orderly manner
i think the reason i am so afraid of this trip is because i know there'll be alcohol involved. and i already promised i'd drink. that, and i have an obvious intellectual inferiority complex, so i've already marked myself as an uninspiring individual in comparison to the other people going.
02/02/2025
i am beyond glad michael had the idea of making arroz con leche this weekend. the snow has brought with her the gift of peace. the blinds remained open the whole day, allowing much-needed calmness inside. i think i'm finally ready for our trip. but if they come, i won't fight the nerves.02/01/2025
for the last few days of january, i felt like i was being really mean-spirited. then, i was having great difficulty finding the correct amount of concentration to be able to read and digest the information read. my brain felt as if it had been loosely held together by a little bit of thread, very poorly sewn up. then, tonight, i got my period.from 12/20/24
although i know many people have their qualms with setting resolutions for the new year, i love them. i love toying with the idea of having a fresh start - this is why i like new year's day, every solstice and equinox, the entire season of spring, new moons, and the first day of each month. each giving us different possibilities to be born again in one way or another. my new year's resolutions are as follows:- watch film. i want to stop making lists of things i want to watch, and actually watch them. i also want to interact with film more critically.
- read. go through my countless amount of reading lists, organize them. allow space for spontaneity by reading up on topics that suddenly catch my attention.
- polish french, maybe. perhaps even start taking arabic or portuguese more seriously.
- read more poetry. learn about it, too; eventually learn to stop being shy about writing own poems.
- write more. more more more. book reviews, journal entries. turn ideas into something material.
- get back into painting, drawing + actively practice skills.
- be more mindful about the music i listen to.
- be more mindful about the websites i visit (you know which ones).
- stop being ashamed of starting from zero. allow myself to take things slowly and be okay with not knowing everything about a certain topic at once - avoid setting unreasonably high standards for myself. take things slow, enjoy the learning process. be comfortable with not knowing.
- start little herb garden.
- monthly aspiration lists. because, clearly, i love lists. these are cute and help with motivation a bit.
- no more impulsive haircuts, let hair grow out - i want long hair!
- control caffeine intake. less caffeine = less insane.
- learn to be content (see:accept) with boredom and loneliness
- create and embrace routine. morning, nighttime. i thrive in routine, helps keeping stress levels down.
- push my brain towards critical thinking; avoid cognitive decline. no more charming, evil computers.
- use kinder, more intentional language. there is no need to resort to crass language; learn to use words.